Applebee's

The Jackson (motherfucking) Five

A little thing that you might not know about me, I LOVE random shots.  In random places.  So, one evening Becca and myself were driving to my house to hang out and Applebee's caught my peripheral eye.  Me: Hey, wanna stop at Applebee's and do a random shot?  Becca:  Hell yes, I do.  We go in and sit at the bar.  We tell the bartender we'd like to do a shot.  "Fruity or strong?"  Duh.  What we ended up with was both fruity, and strong.  Win!  She gave us a Johnny Vegas shot (this is NOT the drink I am reviewing, but still part of the story) which is Cuervo Gold, Raspberry Pucker, and Red Bull.  It was pretty tasty.  Some dudes that were sitting next to us said "If you want something really strong you should order the Four Hoursemen."  "Or the Jackson Five", the bartender chimed in.  Of course we were interested and decided to come back for last call and get this "Jackson Five". 

We roll back in for last call and order up 2 Jackson Fives.  Some dude asks the bartender "Who the hell ordered that?"  She motioned to us and he just shook his head.  She instructed us to not vomit on her bar.  Ha!  The Jackson Five:  Jose Cuervo, Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, Johnny Walker Blue, and Jager.  Whoa, right?  This shot only costs $4.  Wtf.  It tastes like Band-Aids, but isn't as terrible as I imagined it would be.  We have gone back a few times for random Jackson Five shots and once she (a different bartender) used Jameson instead of Johnny Walker.  It was a little less Band-Aidy, but still very similar.

Alright!

5 out of Jackson 5

p.s. Consumption of this shot is likely to result in this:

California Pizza Kitchen

Long Island Iced Tea

Yep, CPK.  In the mall right across from Hot Topic, no less.  If you have to go to the mall you might as well have a place to get a stiff drink.  CPK don't fuck around, there is no bottom shelf booze here.  There's barely mid-grade booze.  I guess a Long Island is a Long Island, but I'm gonna give this little darling a 5 out of 5 for being in the mall.  AND in a nice fancy glass.  LOOK AT THAT GARNISH!  I live for a touch of class...in CPK.

Wet Willies

Call a Cab

Wet Willies is a place we discovered in San Diego.  They serve slushies made with Everclear.  The drink is called "Call a Cab".  They're not all made with Everclear, some are more appealing to the average drinker.  They even have some with no booze at all!  The texture of this "slushie" was very odd and delightfully pleasing to my tongue.  All in all, it was an amazing drink.  Only drawback being brain freeze and severe drunkenness (not necessarily a bad thing).  Two thumbs up!

Good Time Charlie's

TMNT Shooters!

Oh yes, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle shooter set.  One shot for each turtle, and depending on who the bartender is you might even get a Splinter shot!  In order as pictured:  Leonardo, Donatello, Raphael, and Michaelangelo.  You know what the best part is?!  They actually taste different!  Cheers to you, Good Time Charlie's.  I recommend an entire set per person, but for the beginner...go ahead and split one with your pals.

Uptown Coney Island

Budweiser

A classic, refreshing, beer at my favorite place to get beer with breakfast!  Just kidding, I had lunch.

The Porchard

Pop, Lock, and Clock it.

 

We've all made bad decisions, right?  The scene:  Jeremy Wheeler's birthday party.  The drink:  Gridlock Energy Drink and Five O'Clock vodka (shiver).  Alternate chugs of each and voila!  You're drunk!  

Sick.

Don't try it.  It is funny, though.

Seva

Harvey Wallbanger

On a, not so recent, browsing session of "Classic Cocktails for Men" I became obsessed with the idea of a Harvey Wallbanger.  Why?  I don't really know.  It reeks of 1950's men's clubs and class, which is odd because it tastes preeeeeeetty much like a girly drink.  It's totally delicious.  Vodka, orange juice, and Galliano.  Galliano has a sweet anise flavor and somehow works really well with the oj, ramping it up from just being a screwdriver.  Seva really delivered with the fresh squeezed juice, top notch!  The hard part about being really cool and enjoying a Harvey Wallbanger is that not very many places stock Galliano and you seem like an asshole ordering it.  A lot of bartenders don't even know what it is.  Their loss!

A smidge of history!

5 out of 5 juicy oranges.

Goodnight Gracie

The worst, overpriced martini I've ever had. This is supposed to be a martini bar. Tragic. The olives were awful. They tasted like freezer burn. This review deserves no photo.

The Alley Bar

Pimm's Cup!

I ordered the Noble Experiment, which is bartender's choice.  This evening's bartender was Phil Attee aka Captain Dickslap and his drink of choice was Pimm's Cup.  Pimm's liqueur has the air of an ancient apothecary tonic.  It originally had 6 different tonics, each based on a different liquor (#1 - gin, #2 - scotch, #3 - brandy, #4 - rum, #5 - rye whiskey, and #6 - vodka).  Currently, only 1, 3, and 6 are still available.  The label is awesomely dated.  This drink is amazing!  It's so refreshing and reminds me of a gin based sangria.  Layers of cucumber, honey, lemon, ginger and subtle hints of secret spices from far away lands.  It's the drink of choice for classy summertime activities in England like cricket and a bracing match at Wimbeldon.  Good show, old chap.  I thoroughly enjoyed it!

5 out of 5.  Srsly.

TGIFridays

Chocolate Covered Pretzel

Fave new shot.  I was thinking that maybe salt on the rim would be a cool idea, but no.  Too much salt at once.  Plus, it was margarita salt, so it was HUGE.  Bad call Gino and Dave, bad call.

Simple ingredients.  They're much better at the 8ball.  Order one!

5 out of 5!

Bar Louie

Rob Roy

This was an experiment in iPhone application skills.  I've since decided that I need to find a new one.  Shake your iPhone for a random cocktail.  I wasn't disappointed in the Rob Roy result, actually I was a little excited.  I was hoping for a more consistent emergence of classic type cocktails, but it's been giving me really crappy sorority girl shots.  Whatever.

So!  The Rob Roy.  A classic, for sure.  Scotch, vermouth, bitters, a cherry and a lemon twist.  It was named for after Scottish folk hero Robert Roy MacGregor, but I can't really find the connection.  I guess it's because he was Scottish.  The cocktail was created (1890-ish) just after Dewar's scotch was introduced in New York.

Upon first sip, it tasted like scotch and sour mix.  That didn't seem right.  The further into the drink I got, the more it tasted like sour mix.  It wasn't bad, exactly, but it wasn't right either.  I asked the waitress what was in my drink.  Dewars, bitters, and sour mix.  The cherries tasted like juicy plastic.  No discernible flavor and no lemon twist.  I would like to try this drink again with the right ingredients.  I wouldn't say I'm a fan of scotch, but I'd like to give it the chance it deserves. 

2 out of 5

TGIFriday's

Mai Tai

 

For some reason, I had a mean craving for a Mai Tai.  I never opt for fruity drinks, and I was really hoping for a giant hurricane glass, but this really hit the spot.  Our bartender was a chode, and totally in mack mode.  He ribbed us for ordering Mai Tai's, then made a couple of unintentionally homosexual references to himself, which made me snicker and he quickly struggled to regain his machismo.  Whatever, dude.  Aaaaanyway, the drink was pretty tasty.  I always forget about rum.  The options, in my inexperienced mind, are pretty limited.  It's never a liquor I think to drink, but when used correctly it's delicious!  This drink (and this blog, because I'll run out of other things eventually, right?) has given me a reason to explore the possibilities of rum.  All in all, 4 out of 5.  If not only due to the craving I had for this specific drink.

p.s.  The Oberon sucks at Friday's.  Don't order one. 

The Highland Cleanse--Seva

Laphroaig. It is not a single malt scotch for the weak of heart. As my dear friend Dawn (who crafted this lovely, smokey, but definitely not for everyone cocktail) said, "It smells like band-aids!" And it's true, it really does.

The Highland is a combination of lemon juice, Michigan maple syrup, and cayenne pepper. The cocktail starts out with a nice fresh lemon juice taste and finishes with that great, strange, smells like your weird uncle smokey flavor of Laphroaig (also every time I type that I think of Professor Frink saying it, "LA-FROI-GUM!"). The cayenne is a garnish, so it settles to the bottom of the glass, which makes the end of the drink a little undrinkable but the cocktail is great nonetheless.

Here's the bummer part: on the menu it states that its made with a splash of lemonade, which it is for customers. Total bummer, because after the first delicious drink I felt like a classy dame ready for another. I got the lemonade version and it was all old-man stink with no yummy, refreshing, "cleansing" tart lemon juice to cut it. Boo.

Laphroaig is definitely not for everyone. so if it doesn't sound like your thing, don't do it! You will totally hate it.

2.5 out of 5---due to the use of lemonade and the generally unpalatable taste of Laphroaig to just about everyone except for me and old white dudes.

Everywhere

March 28th 2011.  The release date of Oberon.  What do I think of Oberon?  Duh.

"Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you was beyond my control."  Oh, Oberon...

Chop House/La Dolce Vita

I'm gonna tackle two drinks in one review!

The acquisition of a gift certificate and a crappy week led us (Becca and myself) to La Dolce Vita, which I learned is the dessert half of the Chop House.  It is as ostentatious as it appears.  We got there around 8:30, it was a Saturday night.  Bad choice #1.  The bar was full and the girl at the door said we could wait for seats to open up, so we did.  Very shortly after, a waitress approached us, followed quickly by the hostess (with the, fucking, mostest.  I'm SO serious.) who was overly concerned about how long we had to wait to sit down.  We only waited, like, ten minutes...take it easy lady.  We got a table!

Our waitress, Emily, didn't know we were sitting there for about ten more minutes.  She was very apologetic and adorable.  Forgiven.  I order a dirty martini and then change my mind because that's what I always order, I got the Chop House Classic Martini.  Becca ordered the drink I'll be addressing after this one, hush hush.

 

There it is.  Perfect and beautiful.  The word classic has never been more aptly applied.  It was the cleanest, most refreshing straight liquor I'd ever tasted.  The lemon spiral is classy (just look at it!), and it lent a faint aroma of citrus to the glass.  Yup, it was delicious.  And $10.  4 out of 5.

And now...The Bloody Gary.  Somehow it sounds far grosser than a Bloody Mary.  Why?  I can't quite put my finger on it.  This drink is genius, and I can't believe I've never heard the idea before.  A Bloody Mary...add beef stock!  What a perfect match!  Ok, maybe some people would be a little put off by beef stock in their drink.  But, whatever they do to make it (my guess is, strain it a thousand times)...it totally works, it's delicious.  La Dolce Vita has a pretty decent selection of olives, too!  Emily brought us an entire platter of olives and accoutrements to choose from, swank.  You can choose whatever olives you want to go in your drink.  The anchovy olives were great, but the blue cheese really stole the show.  There are so many other things that happened in this crazy place while we were there.  If  you see me at the bar, ask me about it.  I'll talk your ear off.  Bloody Gary, amazing.  5 out of 5.

Bells Two Hearted Ale

Oberon comes out tomorrow. Tomorrow! Which means that soon the ice will melt from my cold heart and the birds will sing and warmth will come again. And the sun, oh god! That sun--I totally understand why the Egyptians used to worship that shit.

Yes, it's been a long, cold, lonely winter (to borrow a phrase). But not without some bonuses. For instance, I discovered a deep love for another Bell's beer--Bell's Two Hearted Ale.

I usually have a hard time drinking more than one microbrew because they give me a headache and the next day I usually feel like a shit sandwhich (to borrow a completely disgusting phrase). Two Hearted is fucking delish. It's easy drinking and smooth as silk. Plus, at 7% alcohol volume, they can get you delightfully tipsy. Which is, of course, something you want when you've lived through seventy bazillion months without a ray of sunshine.

I enjoyed this beer in the comfort of my own home while playing online multi-player with Tim on Little Big Planet 2. The 7% alcohol led to me feeling waaaayyy too compassionately for my fellow LBP2 players but I guess that's not too terrible of a thing.

Webers

Michigan Red Berry Refresher

Ok!  Webers, the Habitat Ultralounge.  The name just oozes swank.  *on a completely unrelated note, it's St. Patricks Day and there are throngs of incredibly irritating drunk people on the loose.  just had to share, back to the review!*  All of my Habitat Ultralounge experiences have been pretty good.  This was a Tuesday night, and during the week they have "Live dancing entertainment with the areas best bands".  Oh boy!  It lived up to my expectations, without a doubt.  There was a two-piece ensemble performing.

Man - A Sting/Malcolm McDowell hybrid with a saxaphone, a keyboard, and a microphone.  Early 50s, probably.

Woman - Looked a little like Cheryl Tiegs, but not really.  Long, blonde hair with highlights for that sunkissed look, middle part.  Wearing a red, micro-mini, lycra dress with one long sleeve.  See photo for reference.  She didn't play any instruments, but she sang like an angel. 

They played a wide variety of sweet jams including Green Light by John Legend.  I can honestly say it was a truly unique interpretation.  Ok, alright.  Enough about the awesome Ultralounge.

Red Berry Ciroc (Ultra Premium Vodka), Dekuyper Cherry liqueur, and lemonade.  Served over ice with 2 straws and a maraschino cherry, stemmed.  To be fair, I had a pretty gross anchovie stuffed olive (do yourself a favor and just get the blue cheese olives instead, seriously) right before I ordered this.  It was super easy to drink and didn't taste like booze at all.  I don't have anything bad to say about it, really.  It could have been the atmosphere or it could have been the Ultra Premium vodka I was enjoying. 

"I own twenty cuckaroos." "Twenty-one sir." "I own twenty one cuckaroos."

So yeah.  The "areas best bands" are awesome and this foofy little cocktail was delightful.  I only rate it mediocre because it tasted like a million other things I've already tried.

2.5 out of 5

Seva

Margarita - Lime.  Rocks.  Salt.

Sour mix made from scratch has a huge impact on a margarita.  Does anyone actually like that syrupy swill that they sell at the store?  I haven't had many margaritas in my time as a drinker (they always seemed a bit...suburban?) and I've been fortunate enough to frequent establishments that mix their own.  I watched the bartender make it, so I know there was plenty of liquor in it, but I could barely taste it.  The sour mix was pulpy, which I loooooove.  It just a skosh too tart for my palate, but it didn't ruin the experience.  Plus, the tequila had a cute little plastic sombrero on it.  Bonus points! 

3.5 out of 5.  Donuts.

Arbor Brewing Company--Amstel Light

Me and Tim went on what turned into one of the drunker dates we've been in the last few months. For whatever reason we really enjoy Arbor Brewing Company for a drinky date despite the fact that we don't really care for their beer OR their food. Imagine that.

The staff is just so damn nice, though (bias alert: I have a few dear friends that work/have worked there) that it makes me over look the beer, concentrate on the food they do well--which is of course pub food like garlic fries (with real garlic all over 'em) and perogies (drowning in cheese and bacon, hell to the yes.) I love the big windows and again, a great deck in the summer time, with cute little picnic tables running up and down Washington.

Tim had the Sacred Cow I.P.A. He's a big Bell's Two Hearted Fan and was pretty disappointed with his Sacred Cow. I, on the other hand, played it ultra safe, ordering my good old diet stand by. Amstel Light.

BIG MISTAKE SHAY. Amstel Light, it's super easy drinking and doesn't even taste like a light beer (95 calories a pop. Half that of an ABC beer, I am sure) And with only 3.5% Alcohol volume what could possibly go wrong.

Well lets start with everything. Somehow after slamming a few of these, and having a Jameson (and apparently a friend's Jameson, too?) I ended up der-runk. Like, now is a good time to be honest about my sexual fantasies-drunk or I never told you this but when I was twelve I lied to my seventh grade class about getting drunk on rum because I thought it'd make me cool but really it just made me more of a loser-drunk. I totally have boozeria of the mouth. And the next day had me nursing a hangover that made me feel like God was punishing for my boozery.

I guess the lesson here is not to slam drinks, even if you think they're for pussies because they have the word light attached to them.

Amstel Light in general: 2.9 out of 5 martini glasses

In this case: -10 out of 5 martini glasses.

Seva

Manhattan - Straight up

I do not like bourbon.  I will occasionally partake of it's nefarious nectar, but it's never my first choice.  So!  This was my first Manhattan that wasn't served over ice in a lowball glass.  I definitely ogled the bartender, thinking that she was doing it all wrong.  Nope, she was right.  I just have no cocktail knowledge, which is precisely what qualifies me to review them!  Bourbon, sweet vermouth, bitters and a maraschino cherry.  What a delicious drink!  The flavor of the bourbon was rich and smooth, which I normally cannot appreciate because of the horrible burn that follows.  It was nice to be able to distinguish that it actually has a flavor to it.  Let's talk about the sweet, chewy cherry at the bottom of the glass.  It was sweet and chewy.  And, an indulgent way to round out the drink.

4 out of 5, but I'll still take a Jameson every other day of the week.  

At home with a PBR

It is, by no means, the perfect drink.  It's not even a very good one.  But sometimes...it just tastes so good.

Cafe Felix - Extra Dirty Gin Martini/10pm

Let me start by saying, I don't think I've ever had a bad martini.  The simplicity keeps it consistent.  Obviously, some are better than others and the grade of liquor involved has tidal waves of influence on the quality of the drink.   Or, so I thought...

Extra Dirty Gin Martini with Gorgonzola stuffed Olives: $10.00

At Cafe Felix, I did not specify a particular gin in my martini.  Their house gin varies, I'm told, and right now it's Five O'Clock brand gin (please note that a fifth of this liquor costs $7 to the general public).  I did ask for it extra dirty, so the olive juice did it's fair share.  I have to give the bartender credit for making a delicious martini out of rotgut liquor, but the cost difference is unforgivable!

The bleu cheese in the olives was great!  The super pungent flavor was a really nice complement to the martini.  My drink was remarkably smooth and easy on the palate.  Pretty classic.

Katy already touched on the atmosphere.  I'll leave it at that.  Our waitress was really nice and made an awesome last minute drink recommendation based on Katy's praise of the habanero vodka.  The Inferno.  Can't wait to try it!

Despite all my bitching about the reticent house gin, it was a great drink.  Well drinks are well drinks and if you don't choose your liquor, then you get what you get.

3.5 out of 5  

Cafe Felix Part One of Shay

So tonight is the inaugural night of this blog! Tonight Liz and I, for the very first time, enjoyed a cocktail together. Specifically, for the purposes of reviewing it for this blog. Which, I guess you probably all ready knew since you're here.

Regardless, Cafe Felix was destination number one as it is home to my favorite drink, Mary's Bloody Banshee, a vodka martini with a bloody mary like base and gorgonzola stuffed olives. Mmm. Makes my mouth water just thinking about it.

If you somehow don't know this about me, I live for salt. Seriously. My favorite flavor of bagel is salt, my favorite flavor of chip is salt, and my favorite seasoning? Yes, the motherfucking salt of the earth which is, of course, salt. The Mary's Bloody Banshee has a salt and pepper rim, which for my about to die of a heart attack ass, is totally heaven. And the menu was all, "Like it spicy? Order it with habanero vodka!"

Holy shit, the person who decided, "yeah lets make a bloody mary with habanero vodka," is in my book second to whoever came up with Absolut Pepper for a bloody mary. For Liz they're third. First being whoever thought of putting tequila in a bloody mary and calling it a bloody maria.

So the drink was great. Loaded with booze, which I've come to expect from a martini at Cafe Felix, but without that gross bloody mary feeling where you feel like you're drinking alcoholic soup.

I guess, the real down side was that it was at Cafe Felix. Certainly, the staff and the drinks were great. No doubt there. But Cafe Felix has this weird air to it. Like tonight nobody was in there but it still felt pretentious. As if previous customer's douche baggery clung to the walls. I can't really put my finger on it. The atmosphere is nice, it's cozy and warm but there's just something off about the place.

It may be that the music sounded like a broken-hearted college sophomore's itunes. On shuffle.

Or it may just be that I've been to that place like a bazillion times and so have all ready made my mind up about it. Whatever.

In conclusion, the cocktail was spot on. Exactly what I'm searching for. Savory and boozy and all around delectable. Liz's dirty gin martini was really good too (And I really dislike gin.) Felix has martini's half off on Monday which is awesome because those things will get you drunk! It's also a great place to go in the summer time. One of the best patios in town for watching and subsequently mocking some croc-wearing assholes.

Cocktail Rating: 4 out of 5 illustrations of the martini glass with the olive and toothpick in it.